Accepting that I have got worse

No one said one day can only produce one blog post. Here goes another-

April 20, 7:47pm-

It takes a lot of courage to not shut your mind and stay silent when you see you are deteriorating.

The fastest way for me to understand that my mental health is worsening used to be that I could not write. Then, eventually my world and work became all about writing. Now, I can write bare minimum to not have to take time off work and be able to scribble what's going on in my head as pointers to discuss with my therapist, because obviously depression has fucked up my memory.

I know this idea that I have in my head can be expressed so much more beautifully and maybe one day I will attempt that, but today I am just trying to document it.

I can see myself getting bad again. Delhi was the worst time for my mental health. I can feel myself slipping to that level. I want to stay on my bed in a dark room all the time. I am sleeping so much more than usual. I don't feel like doing bare minimum tasks as well. I am doing just enough to not get fired. I am having maximum one meal a day because I am not hungry at all. I doing feel like socializing. I am barely even talking to my roommate. I am doing what is required and can not be procrastinated as a robot. I don't remember what I did, how I did, if someone asks about it later. I am hating the light from the window. I am avoiding everyone. I see texts and calls and ignore them and later say I was sleeping, busy, whatever. My memory is getting worse. Days in my mind have become a blur. Everything in my head is getting mixed up, I can't remember what I did yesterday or how was today morning. I am anxious about everything. Even scribbling things, making pointers, making a list of pros and cons isn't helping. I have to do so much, but I am spending all my time on Netflix/Hotstar, watching the same thing over and over again. I am trying to get up, brush my teeth, take a shower, go to office, and do all of the necessary stuff, but my body is slowly giving up on me.

Yesterday, I had to send a text to my therapist and psychiatrist: "I can feel that I am slipping into a really bad bout of depression. It's like I was in Delhi at my worst state.

I am consciously trying to get up from my bed and do the necessary stuff, but my body is giving up on me."

To identify that you are getting bad is difficult in itself. The world keeps talking about it, "Have you ever noticed yourself getting bad again?"

But you know what's more difficult? To accept it, to not stay in denial, and to convey it to your therapist and psychiatrist.

My medicines just got increased a while ago and I knew that if I tell this to my psychiatrist, it will be increased again. In the past three years of my medication, not even once has my psychiatrist got a chance to reduce my medicines. They have been continuously increased.

For the first few days of identifying that I was getting bad, I did not acknowledge it even to myself. Next few days, I tried to stay in denial. Then, I thought it will get over. But after a final nail in the coffin, I had to accept it and vocalize it to my therapist and psychiatrist.

It's scary- the state I was in when I was in Delhi. It was horrible. And maybe I am not there yet, but I am shit scared to slip to that point again. I am alone, I am scared, I am depressed, and I have responsibilities and obligations. It's a shitty and a deadly combination.

So when I told my therapist, her first question was if there are people around me. I guess because she is scared I will kill myself. Well, I wouldn't be sure of myself as well.

When I told my psychiatrist, he increased my medication again.

I don't know if this is going to work or not, but I know for a fact that accepting and vocalizing this was very very difficult. I hope I can also manage to live through this period.

If vocalizing and reaching out needed courage, making it through this period will require a LOT more courage. I hope I have that in me, I don't know, I don't think I have it, but I sure hope so.

To be honest, I don't hope to make it through. But now I have got yet another super scary and HUGE responsibility on me, so I have to at least make it through to complete that. All of these bouts of severe depression are killing me some more every hour. Only thing holding me together is the idea that how peaceful it would be later when I can finally rest and not have to fight and can give into the desire of not existing. That thought is the only thing holding me together maybe.

I guess, I have just got Faulty Wiring!